13:13

I did it.

I DID IT!

Oh my God. This might actually happen.
Wait, no.
It will.
Whatever it takes.

Over a year after deciding to study and take the MCAT, I finally took the MCAT 30 days ago today. I know it was 30 days ago because today is the day my scores are set to be released. Specifically, an hour ago. I have yet to log in and check them because, a) I’m being neurotic and anxious, and 2) I’ve had this blog entry in my head since I took the test. If I try and write it after knowing my scores it will be a lot less genuine. I’m in a state of blissful ignorance right now, which is soon to be disrupted.

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Today I took the MCATs, ordered my next set of computer components, did my taxes, played Modern Warfare 2 quite a bit, watched a few episodes of It’s Always Sunny, cleaned my room and did laundry.

It was pretty much the most productive day of my entire life thus far.

Maybe it’s the caffeine but I feel on top of the world right now. Sitting in the library, a wealth of knowledge in front of me, a sunset to my right over Gample Pavilion, a companion to my left also studying, surrounded by strangers engrossed in their work, on the cusp of a potentially life changing event that I feel 90% confident about.

Amor fati.

I met a woman today. She was 86, sharper, and smarter than so many people a quarter of her age. During our brief time together she implored me to not settle down. Stay single until you do nearly everything and travel almost everywhere you want to. Most importantly, take a road trip across the U.S. like she had done multiple times.
“Alone?” I asked.
“Well, me and God.”

Because “once that ring is on your finger, or you have that kid or that mortgage, those chances may never exist again.”

She also white water rafted down the Grand Canyon. At 86 she was still planning to walk on the Great Wall of China, travel up the Amazon, and tour the Serengeti, and I’ve never spoke with someone so sure that their goals would be met.

After moving her into her bed at the rehab facility, she just looked at me, smiled and said, “Thank you Matthew. Now look me in the eye, promise me you’ll do those things, you absolutely have to.”

One of the wisest humans I have ever had the privilege to meet.

This all just underlines the single thought in the forefront of my head lately,
I want to do something amazing. Grandiose. Unbelievable.
Something to take everyone by surprise.

I want to be a machine.
I want my mind to operate in algorithms. To look at the world and see nothing but numbers and equations.
I want my heart to beat with metronome efficiency, casting away everything that prevents me from acting for one single, precise purpose.
To be surrounded by nothing but sterile simplicity.
I want to be devoid of emotion, negating the possibility of pain.
I want to be free of distractions like desire, pleasure, the need for companionship, disappointment.
I want to kill that part of me and work my hands raw until the day I die.
I want to be nothing more than a massive bank of knowledge and skill put into action for a larger purpose.
Unreachable, untouchable, infalliable.

I want to be a machine.

See, more than once a year.

If theres one thing I’m good at, it is blogging on Christmas Eve.

2009 has been one hell of a year, there is no more articulate way to put it. A large part of me is glad it is coming to a close. Many things changed this year, especially recently, but also things very much stayed the same.
I could write pages of verbal vomit, especially tonight, but seeing as this is the first entry in 10 months there really is no way to adequately catch up. Hopefully I’ll spread it out over the next few entries, if I can keep up with this. Hey twitter is a start, right?

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